“What an asshole,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said, “Especially since we were in my car.”

“And he’s your husband,” I added.

“Gawd, don’t remind me,” she said.

And thus concluded yet another of hundreds of similar conversations I’ve had with my girlfriends about, how to tell a guy you didn’t come and then help him help you. Because as it turns out, about a third of women don’t orgasm during intercourse.

Which makes me wonder, where do they orgasm? Or do they orgasm? Have we become a nation of female martyrs and thespians? Faking it and making it seem okay so long as someone is coming (I’ll just lay here in the dark and listen to you moan). It just won’t do, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to provide counsel in the art of getting a guy to get it done.

Strategy #1: This involves putting the “request” in terms he understands. As in, “The wide receiver fumbled and there’s no way he’s going to make a touchdown.” Or, for the nature lovers, “The squirrel can’t find the acorn, yet again.” Or for the traveling types, “Did you know “Australia” just froze over?” And finally for the golfers, “Nice form, too bad you haven’t made a hole in one or can’t sink a long put yet.”

I think you follow my drift here. The reason this approach is so effective is that if the guy gets it, he’ll probably laugh. A laughing guy is a cooperative guy.

But let’s say he’s starts arguing with you about how unlikely a cold snap is Down Under. That’s when you need to advance to Strategy #2. Please follow these directions precisely:

Step one: Prop yourself up in bed, resting comfortably against some pillows. Adopt a dignified-aloof-bordering-on-sternly-distracted countenance. (I’m not sure what that is but a close guess is good enough.)

Step two: Sigh loudly—loud enough to rouse rudely he-who-is-already-advancing-into-REM-sleep.  More..