Think of the funniest sound in the world. A fart? A burp? Slurp? Squish? Plop? If you don’t make at least three of those noises during sex, you’re not doing it right. How about the silliest positions you could get yourself into? Ankles around your ears? One leg sticking straight up like a cat? On your palms and rear in the air like a camel? Now you see my point: Sex is universally the stuff of comedy.

Like everyone else, I started out with fairy tale notions of what sex should be: two people with clean, trim, hairless bodies (in soft focus, of course) moving with the fluidity and flexibility of Olympic gymnasts. I clung to this vision for years, inevitably feeling a crushing disappointment when sex turned out to be badly lit, sweaty, stubbly and fumbling, complete with feet caught in the sheets, wet spots, flying boobs, goose bumps, stomach flab and the humble homeliness that is pubic hair. Take the afternoon I lost my virginity. My deflowerer took me to his uncle’s house in a neighboring town; his uncle was away and we’d have privacy, he assured me. We went out back to the pool—our plan was to do it on the lawn so as not to leave evidence on the patio. We’d only just begun when the uncle, plus his wife and their two kids, arrived home unexpectedly to find us in flagrante delicto (like you didn’t see that coming). The uncle hurled accusations at us as I scurried around, clumps of grass in my hair, hunting for my shorts in a juniper bush. “I’m not a slut,” I said in my own defense. “I’m an honor student!”

Things didn’t get much better once I was out of school and living in the adult world. As long as I clung to my romantic vision of sex, I wasn’t doing much laughing. Where was the soft focus? I wondered. Where were the simultaneous orgasms? Where were my solo orgasms, for that matter?

Once, in my early 20s, I went to see a friend’s band at a New York City club that no longer exists. I met a guy there who bought me many drinks, which I greedily accepted. The band was two hours late. By the time it hit the stage, I was hammered, dancing frenetically and starting to feel green around the gills. I told the guy I needed air, which he thought was code for “a screw in the back stairwell.” We started making out there, until I warned him that I felt a teeny, tiny bit sick. He told me to relax and unbuttoned my jeans. When his hands pressed against my exposed belly, I returned every drink he had bought me in a colorful, explosive arc onto his shirt, pants and combat boots. I still remember the stuff trickling gently down the stairwell wall like drops of rain. That was the end of that.

By Valerie Frankel

Despite the drop, Hancock is still the biggest July 4th opening for Will Smith and it’s also his eighth straight #1 opening.

WALL-E finished in second place and was able to drop a respectable 48% in its second weekend. Meanwhile, Wanted was not able to maintain a strong portion of its audience in its second week and it fell 61% over the holiday weekend.

After expanding wide, Kit Kittredge: An American Girl finished in 8th place with an actual gross of $3.3 million, which marked a $300,000 decrease from where estimates had placed it.

The Love Guru remained in 11th place, behind You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, after actual numbers were released.

CELEBRATE BIRTHDAY WEEK
The Ostvigs of Long Lake, Minnesota, like to stretch their celebrations by giving each family member center stage for a week. The festivities kick off with a homemade “happy birthday” poster and the telling of the birth story. Each day after that, the family of six gathers for one special treat, such as a game night, a movie, or a dinner out. Says mom Donna, “This tradition has helped us to slow down and take some time to celebrate that special member of our family.”

HIDE A PRIZE IN THE CAKE
Amy Hales’s mom always poked one shelled peanut into the birthday cake before frosting it. Whoever found the nut won an ice-cream outing with Dad. The tradition was popular with siblings since anyone could win, and Amy, of Queen Creek, Arizona, is looking forward to starting the tradition with her own two young kids. (If allergies are an issue in your family, use a piece of chocolate or soft candy instead.)

WAKE TO CAKE
The Randles of Sacramento, California, love to get up early on a family member’s birthday, light candles on the cake, and rouse the honoree with the traditional song. Then they all pile onto the bed, grab forks, and dig in. The three kids so cherish this special treat that parents Kellie and Jeff make sure to never miss it, even if the family is camping or traveling on someone’s big day. “It’s simply one of our favorite family

COLLECT WELL WISHES FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS
A month before each of her kids’ birthdays, Michelle Reed of Avondale, Arizona, sends a craft-paper banner to family and close friends around the country, asking them to sign it, add a note or drawing, then mail it to the next person on the list (she includes preaddressed, postage-paid envelopes). She hangs it on the eve of the birthday after the kids are in bed. Across the country in Liverpool, New York, both Windhausen kids have their very own birthday tablecloth that party guests are invited to sign and decorate every year with markers and stamps. “Everybody, young and old, seems to like it,” says mom Tracy. “It’s really fun to read.”

TAPE — AND WATCH! — BIRTHDAY INTERVIEWS
Inspired by a photo project she saw on TV, Laurie Sovich of Aurora, Ohio, created a video scrapbook for each of her four children. Every birthday, she brings out that child’s tape and, with the camera rolling, asks about his or her goals, friends, and party plans, and the highlights of the last 12 months. The back-to-back interviews provide an entertaining record of how her brood has changed through the years. “My kids love this,” says Laurie. “We watch them over and over. On their birthdays, they all say, ‘Can we show my tape now?!’”

DECORATE A DOORWAY
For her boys’ birthdays last year, Donna Wade of North Reading, Massachusetts, penned a special message on a bright plastic tablecloth, cut it into strips, and hung it in their bedroom doorway (she used a tension rod). The boys now count on starting their birthdays with the custom greetings — and the fun of walking through the streamers. And, says Donna, “The neighborhood kids all want them too!”

GIVE A SHARED EXPERIENCE
The Kumors of Abington, Pennsylvania, don’t give their kids presents. Instead, each birthday child gets to choose a special activity that he or she would like to do with the family that year. Past requests have included a day of paintball, ice-skating, and a “sleepover” with crafts, games, and movies. Says mom Trish, “We have a wonderful time just being a family together, and the memories will far outlast any physical gift the children may have received.”

MAKE EACH GIFT EXTRA SPECIAL
Instead of covering presents in store-bought wrapping paper, the Nicholsons of Charlotte, North Carolina, use white art paper or brown paper cut from grocery bags, personalized for the recipient with stickers, drawings, photos, and notes. Creating the paper helps the givers focus on “what that person means to them,” notes mom Michelle, “not just the gift but why they’re giving it.” And best of all, “The birthday child knows how much they mean to the rest of us before they even open any gifts.”

HONOR THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
The McCollums of Dublin, Ohio, all pitch in to create a big poster for the birthday boy listing the special things he did that year. Miles, age 11, and Sam, 9, feel proud remembering how they learned to snowboard or cook, what they achieved on their sports teams, and where they went on vacation. “I try to think of everything possible to put on the poster so it’s totally full,” says mom Betsy. “They like to keep it up so when people stop by they say, ‘Wow! You did all this?’”

CRAFT MATERIALS:
Pencil and paper
Pebeo Porcelaine 150 glaze (sold at many art supply stores)
Watercolor brush or cotton swabs
Ceramic mugs

1. Try out a few designs on paper before decorating a mug. When ready, lay the mug on its side and apply the glaze, which is a little thicker than India ink, with the brush or a cotton swab.

2. Let the painted mug air-dry for at least 24 hours.

3. Set the glaze by baking the mug in a preheated 325 degree oven for 35 minutes.

Tips:
To keep the project cost efficient, pick up only primary colors (red, yellow and blue) and mix them to create a variety of hues.

Variations:
For a special touch, fill the mug with assorted tea bags or a package of hot chocolate mix.

CRAFT MATERIALS:
2 sheets of black tissue paper
Papier-mâché paste
Prismatic silver wrapping paper

1-Sparkling Disco Ball Pinata 1. Use scissors to cut the tissue into strips that are about 2 by 10 inches. Tip: Fold each sheet in half lengthwise twice and cut 2-inch strips starting at the fold. Then cut each strip in half so it’s about 10 inches long. Using a paintbrush, cover the sphere with paste. Apply overlapping strips vertically, as shown. No need to let this layer dry before proceeding.

2-Sparkling Disco Ball Pinata 2. Cut the wrapping paper into 2-inch squares. Use small amounts of paste to apply squares first around the center, as shown, then in rows above and below the center.

CRAFT MATERIALS:
Fabric
Scissors
Glue Stick
Card stock
Marker
Bubble Wrap

Time needed: Under 1 Hour
1. For each, cut out a 7-by-10-inch piece of fabric. With the printed side down, fold up a 3/4-inch strip along one long edge and secure it in place with a glue stick. Turn the cloth right side up and apply glue along the three unfolded edges. Fold the fabric in half so that the two short sides match up and press down on all the edges to make them stick together. Now turn the pocket right side out.

2. Next, trim a piece of card stock to fit inside the case and print on it all of the specifics along with a reminder for guests to pack pajamas, a sleeping bag, a pillow, and a toothbrush.

3. For a fun touch, puff up the pillow by inserting a piece of Bubble Wrap into the case along with the invitation.